[ pulling back just a touch to loop an arm around their waist instead, then clasping her hands together a moment, summoning her cottage—though it looks a little out of place on the ocean shore, compared to the park ]
[ Her smile wavers a split-second at the mention of Maki's name, but then she chuckles, and goes to join them on the bed, already shucking off her boots and outer sweater. LiliS layers, you know. Her right hand is missing its ring finger, the stump sealed off with a coating of bark. ]
Given how impossible our garden turned out to be, I can't say I find that possibility surprising, either. But I'm still waiting on my room's results, so don't worry, I won't be spoiling the reveal.
[ a pause, and she lets out a sigh, releasing some tension ] ...How have you been, truly? I haven't even asked after avante in the game, yet.
Avante got through it all right, but, I think I think I gave Shrike a bit of a heart attack when I made her take point during the game. With her and Griffin handling avante, the worst I can say is that I've been a bit bored.
[ There's a thin smile when she realizes they've noticed, though she doesn't pull her hand away. ] I suppose I'll get it replaced soon enough. I've just had other priorities.
[ voice subtly strained ] Do you think avante does not need you?
[ a long, slow exhale as she thinks ] It was part of the fallout of what was done to Eclipse by that godling and her accomplice on ZRAEL.
Before I returned, LiliS was evidently playing three low- to middle-value cards every round—simply trying to maintain a reasonable point total without trying to win. Camellia had come up with it—and I was proud of her for it. It was a sound strategy. But then, in the last round, there was came choice between BARiTONES and ZRAEL for our third card. It was nothing damaging—just forgetting how to use the phone—but the argument was about principles, not harm.
Previously, LiliS has avoided targeting BARiTONES, because we know that their situation is the same as ours; they have just responded to it differently. Kohime, in turn, quietly discourages BARiTONES from targeting us. Not an alliance, but... an unspoken understanding.
At that time in the game, ZRAEL's score was the lower of the two, which was why BARiTONES was the initial choice—I was the one who requested the change. Maybe with Lavender away, and Gladiolus gone... [ a sigh ] I provided several reasons to advocate for my position: that ZRAEL was likely to consider us a target, while BARiTONES was not. That BARiTONES has always been widely targeted, and it is not our way to worsen it. And finally, that... causing ZRAEL's score to dip lower would encourage them to take disciplining God and Amy seriously.
Camellia was horrified—she said that if I would punish an entire unit for the actions of individuals, then she might as well just leave LiliS to keep from making any mistakes, herself.
I backed down immediately, when I saw how strongly it affected her, but the damage was done. The other strategic elements of choosing ZRAEL were fouled for her, and she was adamant that LiliS would not join in dogpiling them.
Of course, ZRAEL did target us. With murder. And ended with a quite high score indeed. It doesn't change what she thinks, though. Maybe if I had not been so harsh in my willingness to hold accountable—to punish—it would not have gone so wrong. But I cannot tell Camellia that she has convinced me, and all is well.
So I am left with... I don't know yet. The unit was much more peaceful before I returned, apparently.
I would like for her to understand me, but I’ve always tried to hold myself to the position and obligations of parent to the rest of them. It is wrong to burden children with an adult’s worries.
And then there is the fact that ZRAEL may even have targeted us because of me.
There's a difference, though. There's being forced to worry about serious things, and then there's forcing them to worry about me.
—Ah, I know how that sounds, but. [ rolling over in the bed to face them properly, one arm curved around their back ] I'm... I don't know. At least forty. Perhaps much more. Camellia is fifteen. It's not fair to make her responsible for my emotional well-being.
She doesn't need to be responsible for it, but... She should know how you feel. Counting you out is just cutting corners. I think if she really thought about it, not just in the heat of the moment, Camellia wouldn't want to dismiss your point of view just because she disagrees with it.
And if Lilis is really going to make it, they are going to need to understand how complicated these decisions are. Heart Soldier tried to power through on pure optimism and got flattened and burned out.
...Poor Eclipse. He's been feeling the brunt of it for many seasons now. And now this. At least Heart Soldier played to survive, this time around, likely in part for his sake. But they are not the kind to do so without the strain of guilt.
I have always told LiliS that the most important thing to me is that they feel they have a choice in how they play, so that they can make decisions they believe in, not just feel forced into sacrifice. I really do want it to be their choice how we play in games—not have them see me as some hard-hearted liability they have to accommodate.
I can't stand the way John acts as though he's managing me. As though I can't see the condescension in it. Or the fear.
I don't say this often about people, but you should just ignore John. Arguing with him is just going to waste your time and he'll just use it as evidence to prove you need to be managed. Make the kids talk to him.
I do think that to make decisions they believe in, they need to know all the consequences, all the facts. They are kids - you understand things they don't.
Indeed. [ a slow exhale ] I will... think on it, at least. If there's a way I can explain it to Camellia without her feeling as though my ideals are some kind of impossible standard.
With John... I really thought we were getting somewhere with each other, after all this time. But then he... [ voice going tight ] ...he lost his gods-damned memories, and that person who knew me was gone. This... fresh version of him gets along with the younger ones so much better—and took an instant dislike to me. Of course, the feeling is somewhat mutual: hard to tolerate a judgmental stranger wearing the face of an old friend.
I wish I could tell you I knew the secret of making your teammates like you. I do think things went a lot better after I stopped trying to... well, after I stopped trying.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ pulling back just a touch to loop an arm around their waist instead, then clasping her hands together a moment, summoning her cottage—though it looks a little out of place on the ocean shore, compared to the park ]
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inside, it manages to be comfortably cozy, despite the cold weather ]
Mm, well, don't get too impressed—I finally put in for expanded personal quarters in the LiliS dorm, after all.
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[Cardigan goes straight for the bed, sprawling.]
I was thinking I should put in for one, too. You know Maki's room is a lakeshore?
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Her right hand is missing its ring finger, the stump sealed off with a coating of bark. ]
Given how impossible our garden turned out to be, I can't say I find that possibility surprising, either. But I'm still waiting on my room's results, so don't worry, I won't be spoiling the reveal.
[ a pause, and she lets out a sigh, releasing some tension ]
...How have you been, truly? I haven't even asked after avante in the game, yet.
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It almost seemed as though LiliS would be spared our normal treatment. And then the last round came.
...Are you not leading avante at all, now?
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No. That's not want avante need.
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I suppose I'll get it replaced soon enough. I've just had other priorities.
[ voice subtly strained ] Do you think avante does not need you?
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No, it's not that.
[They look up at Amaranth, reaching up to lightly wind a lock of her hair around their fingers.]
What's been on your mind?
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...I had my first argument with LiliS during the game.
An argument that wasn't with John, I mean.
What I see as justice and accountability, Camellia sees as cruelty. And the others rallied around her, of course.
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[Considerign Cardigan was arguing with avante basically right away. They frown in thought.]
What was the situation, exactly?
story time,
It was part of the fallout of what was done to Eclipse by that godling and her accomplice on ZRAEL.
Before I returned, LiliS was evidently playing three low- to middle-value cards every round—simply trying to maintain a reasonable point total without trying to win. Camellia had come up with it—and I was proud of her for it. It was a sound strategy.
But then, in the last round, there was came choice between BARiTONES and ZRAEL for our third card. It was nothing damaging—just forgetting how to use the phone—but the argument was about principles, not harm.
Previously, LiliS has avoided targeting BARiTONES, because we know that their situation is the same as ours; they have just responded to it differently. Kohime, in turn, quietly discourages BARiTONES from targeting us. Not an alliance, but... an unspoken understanding.
At that time in the game, ZRAEL's score was the lower of the two, which was why BARiTONES was the initial choice—I was the one who requested the change. Maybe with Lavender away, and Gladiolus gone...
[ a sigh ] I provided several reasons to advocate for my position: that ZRAEL was likely to consider us a target, while BARiTONES was not. That BARiTONES has always been widely targeted, and it is not our way to worsen it. And finally, that... causing ZRAEL's score to dip lower would encourage them to take disciplining God and Amy seriously.
Camellia was horrified—she said that if I would punish an entire unit for the actions of individuals, then she might as well just leave LiliS to keep from making any mistakes, herself.
I backed down immediately, when I saw how strongly it affected her, but the damage was done. The other strategic elements of choosing ZRAEL were fouled for her, and she was adamant that LiliS would not join in dogpiling them.
Of course, ZRAEL did target us. With murder. And ended with a quite high score indeed. It doesn't change what she thinks, though. Maybe if I had not been so harsh in my willingness to hold accountable—to punish—it would not have gone so wrong. But I cannot tell Camellia that she has convinced me, and all is well.
So I am left with... I don't know yet. The unit was much more peaceful before I returned, apparently.
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Camellia has a duty to understand you, too, you know.
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[ leaning her head back against a pillow ]
I would like for her to understand me, but I’ve always tried to hold myself to the position and obligations of parent to the rest of them. It is wrong to burden children with an adult’s worries.
And then there is the fact that ZRAEL may even have targeted us because of me.
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There's being forced to worry about serious things, and then there's forcing them to worry about me.
—Ah, I know how that sounds, but. [ rolling over in the bed to face them properly, one arm curved around their back ]
I'm... I don't know. At least forty. Perhaps much more. Camellia is fifteen. It's not fair to make her responsible for my emotional well-being.
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And if Lilis is really going to make it, they are going to need to understand how complicated these decisions are. Heart Soldier tried to power through on pure optimism and got flattened and burned out.
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He's been feeling the brunt of it for many seasons now. And now this. At least Heart Soldier played to survive, this time around, likely in part for his sake. But they are not the kind to do so without the strain of guilt.
I have always told LiliS that the most important thing to me is that they feel they have a choice in how they play, so that they can make decisions they believe in, not just feel forced into sacrifice. I really do want it to be their choice how we play in games—not have them see me as some hard-hearted liability they have to accommodate.
I can't stand the way John acts as though he's managing me. As though I can't see the condescension in it. Or the fear.
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I do think that to make decisions they believe in, they need to know all the consequences, all the facts. They are kids - you understand things they don't.
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[ a slow exhale ] I will... think on it, at least. If there's a way I can explain it to Camellia without her feeling as though my ideals are some kind of impossible standard.
With John...
I really thought we were getting somewhere with each other, after all this time. But then he... [ voice going tight ] ...he lost his gods-damned memories, and that person who knew me was gone. This... fresh version of him gets along with the younger ones so much better—and took an instant dislike to me. Of course, the feeling is somewhat mutual: hard to tolerate a judgmental stranger wearing the face of an old friend.
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Does he want his memories back?
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I wish I could tell you I knew the secret of making your teammates like you. I do think things went a lot better after I stopped trying to... well, after I stopped trying.
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I don't know if that's reassuring or not; I think I'm maybe... not very good at not trying.
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