I would like for her to understand me, but I’ve always tried to hold myself to the position and obligations of parent to the rest of them. It is wrong to burden children with an adult’s worries.
And then there is the fact that ZRAEL may even have targeted us because of me.
There's a difference, though. There's being forced to worry about serious things, and then there's forcing them to worry about me.
—Ah, I know how that sounds, but. [ rolling over in the bed to face them properly, one arm curved around their back ] I'm... I don't know. At least forty. Perhaps much more. Camellia is fifteen. It's not fair to make her responsible for my emotional well-being.
She doesn't need to be responsible for it, but... She should know how you feel. Counting you out is just cutting corners. I think if she really thought about it, not just in the heat of the moment, Camellia wouldn't want to dismiss your point of view just because she disagrees with it.
And if Lilis is really going to make it, they are going to need to understand how complicated these decisions are. Heart Soldier tried to power through on pure optimism and got flattened and burned out.
...Poor Eclipse. He's been feeling the brunt of it for many seasons now. And now this. At least Heart Soldier played to survive, this time around, likely in part for his sake. But they are not the kind to do so without the strain of guilt.
I have always told LiliS that the most important thing to me is that they feel they have a choice in how they play, so that they can make decisions they believe in, not just feel forced into sacrifice. I really do want it to be their choice how we play in games—not have them see me as some hard-hearted liability they have to accommodate.
I can't stand the way John acts as though he's managing me. As though I can't see the condescension in it. Or the fear.
I don't say this often about people, but you should just ignore John. Arguing with him is just going to waste your time and he'll just use it as evidence to prove you need to be managed. Make the kids talk to him.
I do think that to make decisions they believe in, they need to know all the consequences, all the facts. They are kids - you understand things they don't.
Indeed. [ a slow exhale ] I will... think on it, at least. If there's a way I can explain it to Camellia without her feeling as though my ideals are some kind of impossible standard.
With John... I really thought we were getting somewhere with each other, after all this time. But then he... [ voice going tight ] ...he lost his gods-damned memories, and that person who knew me was gone. This... fresh version of him gets along with the younger ones so much better—and took an instant dislike to me. Of course, the feeling is somewhat mutual: hard to tolerate a judgmental stranger wearing the face of an old friend.
I wish I could tell you I knew the secret of making your teammates like you. I do think things went a lot better after I stopped trying to... well, after I stopped trying.
... Just think of it as a matter of focus. It's important that Lilis - or any unit - be strong internally, but that may not be the best use of your talents.
I suppose for now you'll have to focus on finding what you can focus on. Take a memory, maybe. That's what I always did when I wasn't sure what else to do.
[Cardigan tips their jaw back in contentment, sighing. Their hand finds Amaranth's arm and trails their fingers up along it until they can knead gently at her bicep.]
I know enough about what I was. As for how it all ended up... I am curious, but even though it's all in the past, it'd be hard not to think of how your past self ended up as part of your future, you know? I'd rather live through it and see what happens.
[ she closes her eyes at the feeling of their touch, but continues speaking quietly ]
In every world, something terrible happened to my son. I met another version of him, during the time of the temporary teams. He was in so much pain, and in his world there had been a massacre.
I want to know what happened, and why I could not stop it. But each of them does his best to avoid the subject—and an answer presents itself.
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Camellia has a duty to understand you, too, you know.
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[ leaning her head back against a pillow ]
I would like for her to understand me, but I’ve always tried to hold myself to the position and obligations of parent to the rest of them. It is wrong to burden children with an adult’s worries.
And then there is the fact that ZRAEL may even have targeted us because of me.
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There's being forced to worry about serious things, and then there's forcing them to worry about me.
—Ah, I know how that sounds, but. [ rolling over in the bed to face them properly, one arm curved around their back ]
I'm... I don't know. At least forty. Perhaps much more. Camellia is fifteen. It's not fair to make her responsible for my emotional well-being.
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And if Lilis is really going to make it, they are going to need to understand how complicated these decisions are. Heart Soldier tried to power through on pure optimism and got flattened and burned out.
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He's been feeling the brunt of it for many seasons now. And now this. At least Heart Soldier played to survive, this time around, likely in part for his sake. But they are not the kind to do so without the strain of guilt.
I have always told LiliS that the most important thing to me is that they feel they have a choice in how they play, so that they can make decisions they believe in, not just feel forced into sacrifice. I really do want it to be their choice how we play in games—not have them see me as some hard-hearted liability they have to accommodate.
I can't stand the way John acts as though he's managing me. As though I can't see the condescension in it. Or the fear.
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I do think that to make decisions they believe in, they need to know all the consequences, all the facts. They are kids - you understand things they don't.
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[ a slow exhale ] I will... think on it, at least. If there's a way I can explain it to Camellia without her feeling as though my ideals are some kind of impossible standard.
With John...
I really thought we were getting somewhere with each other, after all this time. But then he... [ voice going tight ] ...he lost his gods-damned memories, and that person who knew me was gone. This... fresh version of him gets along with the younger ones so much better—and took an instant dislike to me. Of course, the feeling is somewhat mutual: hard to tolerate a judgmental stranger wearing the face of an old friend.
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Does he want his memories back?
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I wish I could tell you I knew the secret of making your teammates like you. I do think things went a lot better after I stopped trying to... well, after I stopped trying.
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I don't know if that's reassuring or not; I think I'm maybe... not very good at not trying.
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[ a pause, then she trails her nails up along Cardigan’s spine and presses a kiss to their jaw ]
—We can’t actually spend all our days hidden away like this, after all.
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[Cardigan tips their jaw back in contentment, sighing. Their hand finds Amaranth's arm and trails their fingers up along it until they can knead gently at her bicep.]
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[ it's half acknowledgment of their point; half pleasure at the feeling of their hands on her ]
It really has been far too long. I'm always telling myself to find a peaceful time, but there's no such thing.
[ her voice is a soft murmur, this close to their neck, and she interrupts herself to nip lightly at their earlobe. ]
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Oh? How did you decide that—? What does it really mean, to "know enough"?
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[Cardigan props themself on an elbow.]
I know enough about what I was. As for how it all ended up... I am curious, but even though it's all in the past, it'd be hard not to think of how your past self ended up as part of your future, you know? I'd rather live through it and see what happens.
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...In the sense that you feel like knowing your fate would influence your choices too much? But who is to say that your tale has already ended?
[ a pause ] After all, between the two of us... it's more likely that I am dead.
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[Cardigan smiles, reaching out to trace her scar through her dress.]
Does it bother you...?
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[ she closes her eyes at the feeling of their touch, but continues speaking quietly ]
In every world, something terrible happened to my son. I met another version of him, during the time of the temporary teams. He was in so much pain, and in his world there had been a massacre.
I want to know what happened, and why I could not stop it. But each of them does his best to avoid the subject—and an answer presents itself.
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The answer...?
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Exalts don't scar. As long as we are still living, our wounds heal cleanly.
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