worthathousand | ( Imeeji ) continuations

[ another pause, this one long enough to feel intentional or maybe borderline-awkward. look what you’ve done, now we’ve both just got this rope lying uselessly on the ground between us? ]

.....That has never been something you’ve wanted to hear.
And the arguments went nowhere. So I adjusted my standards.

[ her tone is thoughtful, deliberately mild ] Leaving you to your peace has been the next best option.

Not wanting to hear it doesn't mean I wasn't listening. Hearing everything in stereo just gets annoying, at times.

[sighs, releasing his expression and back to blank terse-ness]

So? Do you still have complaints? We're winning, they aren't dying, and everyone's cozy now.

Don't know what that expression means either, by the way.
But—you're the one who brought up those concerns, not me.

My honest opinion is that I'm grateful to see us win a few games, because I don't know how much more I could stand to see them die. It isn't safety, though. Just luck. It's been a season—a month—since the poverty game, which was the last time units could target each other.

I can't truly say we've changed. We've just had a respite.

Edited 2019-10-27 01:59 (UTC)

Stereo. Means in double or triple.

You've been making friends. Not the best ones, but it's something. The rest of them are too quiet, but there's Camellia, at least.

[ a little hum of acknowledgement at the definition ]

You're underestimating how close I am with avante by a significant margin.
—But I'm not interested in having the quality of my friendships critiqued, frankly.

[ she considers him, head angling slightly ]

I'm genuinely not sure what you want me to tell you. If you're worried about pulling us down, I meant what I said: you aren't.
It's not the same thing as helping, but if I don't have you as a kind of partner in this, then I'd at least see you happy.

[frowns, slightly recoiling and shaking it off]

Won't be your partner, don't agree with your definitions. And you can keep holding your breath on me being happy.

[ briefly likewise affronted ]
I don’t mean “partner” as in husband. [ John!! don’t make it weird!!! gods. ]

[ she sighs ] The point is, it’s obvious the younger ones want to look to you for protection and support the same way they do me. If you’d let them.
I’ve seen moments where it looks like you want to.

[and his face is dropping flat at the rejoinder]

Neither did I. Given what you want from a partner, that concept isn't too far off, though.

[sighing while rubbing his forehead, eyes closed]

I don't have any protection or support to give. It isn't a question of wanting, there just isn't anything there.

[ a bit more gently ] That wasn’t true with Hellebore, and it isn’t true now.

Yeah, and I still got Hellebore killed. So, that's great leadership there.

You didn't.
Hold yourself accountable for the balloon game or the auction, if you feel it is right. But he was taken away by then.

And I blame us equally—along with the way other units chose to play—for the result in the castle.

Oh, it goes in all directions. Not trying to take on more than I'm responsible for here, but keeping my foot in my mouth or not even being around has been helping out. You can't argue that.

[ a long exhale through her nose—almost another sigh ]

It's let us push the problems aside.
That's not quite the same.

And please don't try to claim that you'd never trust yourself to genuinely care for someone.

You really see me as a part of a functional unit. —How?

[there's a beat where he's blank and weighs how to honestly to respond to that direct target, but he brushes it off, sarcastic]

Pretty sure that is exactly what I'm claiming, actually.

[ a long pause, studying his face.

...

..... ]

Silver.

And? I don't. What about it?

[ fingers pressed to her temple a moment ]
Gods, John.

I don't know what's between you two, exactly, but I have never. seen you get so angry and so protective on someone else's behalf as you did when I hurt him—and not even physically, or intentionally.

You care.

[keeping the brief flicker of amusement in check, still his tone is light. not deriding her, just enjoying the moment]

I do. I wasn't denying that. He's been adamant about sticking to me, even when I tried to break apart our unit and manipulate him to that end. Even now, part of me wants to not be involved with him, but I'm not going to fight the inevitable. Have better things to do, honestly.

[catching himself, shifting tone and looking away from her, rather up then middle distance as he talks]

I can be sociable. Kind, even charismatic. But that's toxic. Who I am spreads to the people around me, then they could start moving how I want. If I really want them to. And Lavender, she's especially — Open.

[weaker but back to light tone, just Very Tired]

You know, she actually admitted— In her own words, unprompted, that she wanted to meet someone who tried to carve my skull open, nearly disemboweled me, and killed what was arguably the last person I tried to feel safe caring about. Don't know, makes me not want to share with the group.

Edited 2019-10-28 02:51 (UTC)

[ low, under her breath, holy fucking shit my dude ]

Blessèd Wyld.

...Not a matter of caring, then, so much as trusting yourself to care. And maybe this isn't the time to get into this, but— [ too late! ]

[ slowly, considering her words ] It is worth saying, though, that you're not the only person capable of influencing those around you. Which is to say: not the only influence they have.

And it is painful to see you so obviously hurting. Hiding yourself away like a wounded animal looking for a place to die. We haven't known the details—the full truth of it—but we can tell.
You wouldn't have corrected Lavender's misjudgment at the time. But teaching her to recognize that kind of danger would help her a lot more than slamming your door in her face. Often literally.

Is that what I really look like to you? Something that is one gentle push away from a merciful end?

[ simply ] No.

But it's the best way I can think of to describe it. And at times you seem to wish it.

What else could I call the way you try to erase yourself? Self-destruction isn't a neutral act, no matter how quiet it is.

Re: Monster Bingo: John

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Monster Bingo: John

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1/2

Re: Monster Bingo: John

1/2

2/3 actually!!

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1/2

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