[ a brief brow raise, unimpressed, then she sighs as well ]
If you think those are the only two options, you have absolutely misunderstood what I meant by "partner."
[ blunt ] Do you want to be an adult, a child, or a youth?
I abandoned the idea of you ever assisting me [ dropping the "partnership" language ] because you refused to let yourself really care about anyone but "number one," as you put it. You hold yourself away from us. There's a gentleness to you that I can never manage, but it's useless because you won't let yourself use it. Sometimes I wonder if you just came to LiliS to die, and by the gods, you've succeeded.
[ another sigh, heavier this time, releasing the tension she'd just let build ]
The purpose of units, at least as far as they really matter, is to support one another enough to withstand this place.
If you won't come close enough to reach, much less take any responsibility, then I can only give you what I give the rest of them—the youths: as much of that support as I can. Even if that means that what you need is to be part of the unit in name only.
[there's a muscle twitch on his jaw at the 'came to die' comment, but he keeps himself in check. rather, he's too tired to let himself get worked up again]
I've taken responsibility . . . Told you when this started, didn't I? I needed somewhere to be, not that I needed a unit. Would be on my own if I could, but this farce gets more ratings watching people struggle with interpersonal relationships, I guess.
[ likewise tired ] You still asked if you could join us.
I saw it as offering you a kind of shelter. You were so obviously hurt and lonely and good, and I wanted to be part of the people who made things better for you.
Don't have to get myself killed, don't have to plan to kill my entire unit, and I'm not sleeping out in the open to make any attempts on me easier logistically. Kind of consider that an improvement, but guess you have a higher bar.
Like I said, John—you may be clever, and may have, as far as I know, an unmatched talent for reading people—but you are not the only influence LiliS has. And that... Anathema—the person who tried to destroy you—is not here.
You may not be trying to influence them, but you've tried to influence me, right? At least to the extent that I solicit it. Do you think I'm worse off for it?
You aren't going to press me on Lavender again. You know better. Or, at least, you should. But, then again, you're talking to me about love for a group of strangers collected together under duress, never quite sure when someone's going to be snatched away.
[ a frown—not quite to the threshold of irritation, but needing to pause to frame her thoughts properly ]
Any family's love for one another is "survival," by that standard. Brought together by chance of blood. But no one would question whether the feeling behind that love is genuine. [ possibly John would question it. but at least he surely has to acknowledge that he'd be the odd one out in that judgment. ]
The care those of us on this unit feel for each other is, if anything, much more chosen than it would be in a "normal" family. Survival requires only self-interest, after all. For example, Yvette makes little secret of the fact that BARiTONES conducts itself as a business and nothing more.
Really, there's a kind of absurdity to the way you have avoided love—with, of course, one exception—yet attribute the bonds anyone else feels to nothing more than animal instinct. Do you think you're the only one who knows how to choose?
Off to fight every battle rather than making a strategic choice again . . . So, what is it now? Be involved? Or support them? Or love them? Say all three, I could use the laugh.
Perhaps if we were truly speaking of battles, you would have a point. [ dry ] But just because you can make the comparison doesn't mean it's a useful one.
Be involved by supporting them. And at least allow for the possibility of caring about them as more than mouths to feed.
It's binding, because acknowledging that esteem between us engenders me to behave in a way to maintain it. If I care for it.
This is strategy, it's all strategy, Amaranth. If you can tell that I'm uncomfortable by the topic, then you shouldn't bring it up unless you're making an attack, trying to drive something home. Grasping at straws doesn't mean up end the cup, you know. It could mean just keep your hand still.
And stop mentioning Silver. You're profoundly jealous and confused, I know, but it's been okay, not turning a light towards it for awhile.
[ that last remark does almost push her over into a moment of anger, though she quickly reels the emotion back in. ]
Perhaps it is an attack, then, if you must see it that way. Since yes, I do want you to try to change. I hope you value my esteem, after all we have been through. I value yours.
Silver himself isn't the issue, just an example of the kind of relationship I know you're capable of.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Monster Bingo: John
[brief sigh, rubbing his eyes]
So, is that it? I get a free pass since I won’t be your partner? Just have to look out for number one?
1/2
If you think those are the only two options, you have absolutely misunderstood what I meant by "partner."
[ blunt ] Do you want to be an adult, a child, or a youth?
I abandoned the idea of you ever assisting me [ dropping the "partnership" language ] because you refused to let yourself really care about anyone but "number one," as you put it.
You hold yourself away from us. There's a gentleness to you that I can never manage, but it's useless because you won't let yourself use it. Sometimes I wonder if you just came to LiliS to die, and by the gods, you've succeeded.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
The purpose of units, at least as far as they really matter, is to support one another enough to withstand this place.
If you won't come close enough to reach, much less take any responsibility, then I can only give you what I give the rest of them—the youths: as much of that support as I can. Even if that means that what you need is to be part of the unit in name only.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
I've taken responsibility . . . Told you when this started, didn't I? I needed somewhere to be, not that I needed a unit. Would be on my own if I could, but this farce gets more ratings watching people struggle with interpersonal relationships, I guess.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
I saw it as offering you a kind of shelter. You were so obviously hurt and lonely and good, and I wanted to be part of the people who made things better for you.
I really thought we could do it.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Like I said, John—you may be clever, and may have, as far as I know, an unmatched talent for reading people—but you are not the only influence LiliS has.
And that... Anathema—the person who tried to destroy you—is not here.
Things could be better than this.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
He wasn't trying to destroy me, only elevate me. —Anything better . . . I think it would come from him.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
I think I have a higher bar than his version of "better" too, in that case.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Oh, I'm sure you do.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
I won't claim to have the easiest standards to meet, but...
The unit would be stronger for your active involvement.
And it's obvious Lavender misses you—the relationship you once had, I mean.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
[not going to start with lavender...]
Re: Monster Bingo: John
You may not be trying to influence them, but you've tried to influence me, right? At least to the extent that I solicit it.
Do you think I'm worse off for it?
Re: Monster Bingo: John
No, I haven't. Anything I've said to you is scrapping the bare minimum of social contact, not influence.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Regardless, I do trust you. I know it is not entirely a substitute for trusting yourself, but... I hope that it's at least some kind of reassuring.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
. . . It's a good binding . . .
[that's agreement, right?]
Re: Monster Bingo: John
"Love is what you make of it," as the Maiden said.
It need not be some sort of flawless bond from the outset.
Not entirely sure what you mean by "binding," though.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
[he knows, but put it in words, say it]
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Whose love? I really meant the entire unit.
[ a pause, thoughful ] But if that did not seem obvious to you, then perhaps you're waiting for me to press you about Lavender again.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
That's not love, Amaranth. That's survival.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Any family's love for one another is "survival," by that standard. Brought together by chance of blood. But no one would question whether the feeling behind that love is genuine.
[ possibly John would question it. but at least he surely has to acknowledge that he'd be the odd one out in that judgment. ]
The care those of us on this unit feel for each other is, if anything, much more chosen than it would be in a "normal" family. Survival requires only self-interest, after all. For example, Yvette makes little secret of the fact that BARiTONES conducts itself as a business and nothing more.
Really, there's a kind of absurdity to the way you have avoided love—with, of course, one exception—yet attribute the bonds anyone else feels to nothing more than animal instinct. Do you think you're the only one who knows how to choose?
[ a touch harder ] Give our emotions some credit.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Off to fight every battle rather than making a strategic choice again . . . So, what is it now? Be involved? Or support them? Or love them? Say all three, I could use the laugh.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Perhaps if we were truly speaking of battles, you would have a point.
[ dry ] But just because you can make the comparison doesn't mean it's a useful one.
Be involved by supporting them. And at least allow for the possibility of caring about them as more than mouths to feed.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
This is strategy, it's all strategy, Amaranth. If you can tell that I'm uncomfortable by the topic, then you shouldn't bring it up unless you're making an attack, trying to drive something home. Grasping at straws doesn't mean up end the cup, you know. It could mean just keep your hand still.
And stop mentioning Silver. You're profoundly jealous and confused, I know, but it's been okay, not turning a light towards it for awhile.
Re: Monster Bingo: John
Perhaps it is an attack, then, if you must see it that way. Since yes, I do want you to try to change. I hope you value my esteem, after all we have been through. I value yours.
Silver himself isn't the issue, just an example of the kind of relationship I know you're capable of.
Re: Monster Bingo: John