Amakura Tomoe (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
worthathousand) wrote2020-01-03 07:08 pm
worthathousand) wrote2020-01-03 07:08 pm
Entry tags:
5555 QUESTIONS
I sure did write 5,555 comments on this account!
That's so many comments, you guys. It's SO many.
(It is, perhaps, not that many in the grand scheme of things, but it's a huge milestone for me.)
I'm 3 shots in right now and I'm ready to answer your questions, so let's do this thing.
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***
So, Amaranth's CR with Persephone has been such a slow burn sort of journey. When I apped her, I imagined that said journey would be one of coming to relate to one another out of the context of being related, and that existing as peers of a sort would stand in contrast to how Tomoe related to Kaede. But that wasn't what happened. Instead, it didn't take long at all for Amaranth to learn that Persephone was most likely her son, and everything since then has been just like. "WELL HERE WE GO??"
I've been playing Amaranth as someone with a high Conviction score, so to speak, and as a result of that part of her nature, she feels strongly driven to have something to do; as soon as she learned that Persephone was/is her son, she felt she had to take some sort of action about it. But what even is there to do in a place like Tokyo-F? They're forcibly parted from their home, and thus from the ability to affect anything in their home. Instead, their CR feels like it has been a somewhat awkward, halting dance of quiet healing—with Persephone reconnecting with the idea of caring about people and having a family, and Amaranth trying to navigate the wreckage of her life without knowing how her life came to be little more than wreckage.
It.... is surprisingly hard on her, though never in a way that's unpleasant. More that she finds the uncertainty almost unsettling as the uncomfortable possibility that something very, very bad happened.
Recently, Caelestis confronted Amaranth with the fact that, as far as he knows, she's dead. The worst part of it was that it wasn't surprising. Amaranth knows that something terrible must have happened, and though she doesn't know exactly what, she knows that she got a potentially mortal wound, and that her family was irrevocably affected. But, as you know, she still hasn't really talked about it with Persephone. Part of that is because she doesn't feel like she knows enough to know what to say; part of that is a kind of superstition that talking about it would make it more "real"; part of it is just straight-up determined optimism (or denial, if you want to be more cynical).
Even with all of that, Persephone has the unique ability to be Amaranth's eye of the storm: that is, no matter what else is happening in Tokyo-F, with him she feels at ease. It's not as though the rest of the world goes away—the storm is very much so still raging around them—but the weight of the world doesn't feel so heavy. Instead, she can just be. And that's remarkably important to her.
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...Also, of course, I would love to hear your CR thoughts in return!
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***
Heliotrope is Amaranth's feral cat son (you know, in contrast to Persephone, her persian cat son) and she loves him.
Genuinely, I can't overstate how formative Capitalism Game was for her relationship with him and how she sees him. For all that you assumed Heliotrope/Mika would mostly be the new LiliS yandere, that game served to cement him in Amaranth's mind as someone who is fundamentally compassionate—and, what's more, who is willing to make hard, self-sacrificing choices in order to do the right thing.
....So, you know, she thinks he's great.
She does worry about him, though: she's had enough experience with pushing too hard to "fix" struggling members of LiliS, and then getting shut out as a result, that she's very hesitant to do the same when it comes to Heliotrope's issues around food and his own self-worth, but she's still almost hyper-aware of them. She still has no idea exactly what to do about the issues she sees, but at least she knows what doesn't work, now, so she's just angling for being gently supportive and encouraging in the hopes of eventually wearing down the walls he's built up against valuing himself.
The other tricky thing with him is realizing (especially with the Betrayal 2 aftermath that I'm still....... backtagging slowly....) that he shares some of her potential for bitterness and vengefulness, which are nooootttt.... exactly traits she's thrilled to have, herself. It's a fine line between caring about justice and being overwhelmed by anger, and she's not always confident that she's walking it successfully—which means that being honest with Heliotrope about LiliS's struggles without breaking his faith in other people is a genuine concern for her.
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I mean, he's still going to most likely be the lilis yandere, depending on who we get, but at least he hasn't had much chance to be Really Bad yet. Though he's worried about disappointing her, especially since she's the first adult Ever who hasn't/hasn't yet failed him.
"Without breaking his faith in other people". I mean, she can't break his faith in other people if he doesn't have any.
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—Because in a lot of ways, that's really at the heart of Amaranth's feelings about Silk. Though Silk is younger than her, Amaranth still sees a lot of parallels between them: they're both hardened women trying to figure out how to do right by their teams in a community that is unfortunately prone to (for various reasons) letting those teams get hurt.
Honestly, I think the main reason she hasn't yet gotten past "respected acquaintance" levels with Silk is because Amaranth is just so...... dare I say it, neurotypical? She has a hard time with people who are private (or privately traumatized) because she herself is so comfortable wearing her heart on her sleeve. Silk has just enough introversion and private hurt that it's hard for Amaranth to figure out how to get past her surface presentation into the kind of thornier subjects that really promote a deeper relationship—though she's definitely astute enough to be aware that she's only seeing "surface" Silk right now.
It would be great for them to get to connect more, because honestly Amaranth could really use more friends who understand what it means to come from a world where, if you're not willing to use violence to defend yourself, life is nasty, brutish, and short.
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Also I plan to broadcast some of Silk’s trauma soonish, so if you want Amaranth to see it...
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Cobalt has consistently existed at this crossroads of "my son" and "my peer" for Amaranth, which I think is a pretty good encapsulation of how she feels about him in general: protective, but also finding herself able to open up to him about things she doesn't normally talk about. And honestly, Cobalt himself deserves a lot of the credit for the latter half of that—most notably, in the way he sought her out after Betrayal in order to...... apologize???? for being brutally tree-murdered????
His determination to seek Amaranth out and make things right, even if it meant dealing with some deeply ugly emotions, is a big part of the reason she found herself able to be open with him about other hard subjects, such as her feelings about Lavender's graduation. I know that the same isn't yet necessarily true in reverse, for Cobalt, but I do hope that they can continue to grow this part of their friendship. —Not least because Amaranth has precious few genuine confidants, and honestly it seems like Cobalt is in the same boat. Both of them really try to put on a face of We're All Fine Here because they're trying so hard to be a support system to other people... but Cobalt seemingly has the added burden of also trying to be Nice 24/7. Amaranth wants him to get to be angry about everything, too.
I'd definitely like them to keep talking about ways to mitigate the harm of violent games on the community; after all, both IC and OOC, I feel like, if Amaranth is going to be upset about it, eventually she's got to put her money where her mouth is, so to speak.
Also I'm going to start up Amaranth's army recruitment Soon(tm), and I know she'll want to talk to Cobalt about that, since he's among the few actual soldiers in Imeeji.
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I still think it's just so unfortunate that Cobalt's way of trying to defend PR-style pep from everyone else's post-Castle game feelings (i.e. explaining to people upset about pep "getting hurt" that pep's decision was what hurt least because it felt like the Right Thing To Do) was so directly counterproductive with Amaranth.
—Because Cobalt's (and I think pep's?) actual priorities were ones she understands and supports. (Indeed, her initial conversations with pep had her sorrowful and supportive; it was only in the much later convo with Cobalt that she got upset.) Amaranth cares about him quite a bit, and she'd be distraught to learn that Cobalt felt like he had to hide his feelings from her.
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He likes her a lot, and holds her in very high regard. She’s strong -- both in terms of physical prowess and personality. She has a sense of resolve that Cobalt greatly admires and wishes that he had. And though she’s strong, she’s also gentle, with a sense of humor, creativity, and curiosity -- all things he respects in a person.
He thinks she’s an amazing person, and he’s also low-key/high-key frightened of her.
Up until Betrayal, he (accidentally, despite himself) really saw her as a motherlike figure. She does, in fact, resemble his mom a lot, not just physically, but in her demeanor. And it seemed like she cared about him too, and he really misses his mother terribly, so whenever she was around he just felt really... happy? Comfortable? to have her there. To just pretend for a moment that his family was here with him and he could relax.
And not just that, but she was someone he could talk to about things like being an outsider who doesn’t understand this place completely, or who had experience with being in the military and the baggage that comes along with that. Even though they didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, he felt like they were mostly on the same wavelength, and everything they didn’t agree on, they could still have interesting conversations about.
Then everything changed when the plant nation attacked. The murder itself was awful, don’t get me wrong, but the part that really blindsided him was Amaranth’s anger about the Castle Game. He really didn’t see that coming, and because that’s also a very sore spot for HIM as well, this was both physically AND emotionally difficult to deal with.
So it was a good reminder that, ah yes, she is not his mom. She’s someone on a different unit, who has her own kids to protect, and he is not her kid, he is the person she needs to protect her kids from. Thinking of Amaranth as his mother was CLEARLY inappropriate, and maybe trusting people off-unit is a mistake, and deep down he’s kind of aching a little from the perceived loss of both these things. On the surface, he’s really happy he and Amaranth are speaking to each other again and getting along; that part’s good. But emotionally he is keeping her at arm’s length because what if he says something wrong and she kills him for it again? Scary. Seems bad.
Re: the Castle Game... He wasn’t lying when he said pep did it for themselves. I won’t speak for the rest of pep, but Cobalt, at least, was crumbling under the weight of survivor’s guilt -- he’d been in Imeeji since nearly the beginning and while he’s watched his friends die innumerable times in endless wretched ways, he himself had never had anything really bad happen to him at all. Worse, he’d sometimes contributed to the deaths of his friends while protecting his unit in games. He was so sad, and so desperate, and so ANGRY, that when a game came along that allowed him to play rebelliously and not contribute to the deaths of his friends and the other people who continuously eat shit all the time, he did it. Not just for his friends but for himself. He was doing that in an attempt to feel okay again, because he was so frantic to not have to watch his friends die AGAIN!!!!
Which is something he tried (?) to explain to Amaranth (though by the time they talked he was just so exhausted from having his ass kicked by all his CR, he didn’t have a lot of fight left in him.) But apparently telling the truth was the wrong answer, too? And Amaranth was so mad at him she brought it up while literally tearing him apart. So he really has no confidence any more in his ability to speak on this topic! He is clearly doing something very wrong, so maybe the best thing for him to say about the Castle Game is nothing! It seems there isn't anything he can say about it that isn’t going to make someone upset, and he’s also been told countless times by now that pep does so well in the games that they have no right to be upset about it! So what if he just shuts up forever!!!
On a surface level he’s totally cool with Amaranth and is happy they’re seemingly on good terms. On the inside he is [ fear ]. He feels extremely unsafe to talk to her about delicate or controversial topics right now, because he doesn’t trust himself/his own diplomacy stat, and he doesn’t know what to expect from her. I don’t think this is irreparable, though. Her continuing to talk and confide in him is good. At some point he will let his guard down and express a feeling or an opinion around her again, and as long as she doesn’t punish him for it, things will continue to improve. She’s just going to have to be a little gentle with him for a while, otherwise it’ll reinforce his belief that silence is best. Not to say that she can’t disagree with him about stuff! He is certainly wrong about a lot of things, all the time. But he’s doing his best, and long as she can be sympathetic to the fact that he really is trying, and doesn’t get angry AT him, everything will probably course-correct on its own without too much difficulty. (And I’m happy to work with you on this OOCly if you want, so you don’t have to feel like the ball is entirely in your court!)
Honestly, re: mitigating harm in the community -- as much as he wants it, he’s pretty much given up on it being something that can actually happen. His faith in the community right now is in the negatives. He thinks the only way it can work in a way that’s fair for everyone is if entire units can willingly agree to eat shit -- or even just RISK eating shit -- to make things easier on the other units. And as long as there are people who are not willing to die ever, and as long as there are newbies who have no reason to die to protect everyone else’s ideals, as long as there are there are people who simply do not care about the suffering of others, he doesn’t see a way for any of this to ever be fair.
All that said, if Amaranth had any ideas about how to improve games, he’s willing to hear it out! But he has absolutely no confidence that he can get anyone to listen to him, or agree on anything. Furthermore, he is super done with talking to the community. Completely had it. Maybe he will rebound later but right now he’d punt half of imeeji into the sun if he could.
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also:
- which of my other characters that exist do you feel would have fun amaranth CR And why
- give me at least one sadfeelings conjecture about how vera and palmer would play out in imeeji
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But yeah, for Paloma specifically, I think I said the vast majority of it already on your post; however, I'm definitely enjoying this new CR avenue of "milfs who get shit done" for their respective teams. Paloma is super different from the kind of person Amaranth normally gets close to (as a warrior jock, she's naturally wary of smooth operator social primaries, you know), and I'm genuinely not sure how much they'll be able to get past that, especially with Paloma's audition status in the mix. If nothing else, though, Paloma has already succeeded in winning Amaranth's respect, which is something she accords to very, very few people.
With Shrike.... there's really a "let's see how far we've come" montage in here, isn't there? Like Cardigan, Amaranth has been interested in pushing Shrike to really come into her own. And she's been pleasantly surprised to see Shrike grow from reacting to that treatment with "I Would Like To Die, Now" to actually engaging with it and even wanting to push herself. ++Respect.
And then, of course, there's the whole set of situations with (1) The Terrible Truth about Creation and (2) Amaranth's feeling of estrangement from LiliS and the attendant circumstances (duel, etc). Honestly, she hates being seen in positions of vulnerability, and both of these have required that of her. She wants to be the Experienced Mentor who has her life together, and now Shrike is getting a very personal view of her being both uncertain and often lonely. It's a view she's only willing to let Shrike have in the first place because of her improved respect for her, but it still feels like something of a trust fall.
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Part Two
Other characters who would have fun Amaranth CR-
...A lot of them, tbh. We've already chatted about how she and Maria Palmer would completely understand one another approximately immediately, so there's that.
Also, sometimes I do really wish Grace Yi were around to bridge the gap between Amaranth and John (though it would feel weird for LiliS to have such a close parent:child ratio all of a sudden, ha). Grace in particular would have a lot of insight on Amaranth's eventual retirement from war, and what it means to try to make things better nonviolently... while nevertheless being both willing and able to wreck someone's shit.
Rhiannon/Ashley Miller would also be really cute, honestly. Amaranth does really well with Youths~ who could use a good encouraging parental figure... and of course she would only approve of taking over leadership of a vigilante monster-hunting organization.
Vera and Palmer sadfeelings -
I mean, we've already talked about Vera as the "normal" idol while Palmer is an audition, desperately trying to figure out how to undo what she did without inherently re-demoning herself in the process...
(Never mind some kind of horrible gift of the magi wish situation.)
But, for your entertainment, please consider some scenarios:
- post- trauma game; Vera doesn't remember Palmer yet, and lashes out at her for trying to offer comfort, because of course Palmer's team survived
- they've rekindled their relationship, but Vera doesn't remember Palmer's choice, and it's a ticking time bomb of sadness all over again
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Palmer would honestly have such a fucking time trying to deal with Vera not remembering her and specifically not remembering the shit she did, because, like—do you tell her and pre-torpedo your relationship? Also, because Palmer fucking hates herself, how do you make sure it has the nuclear impact of the original revelation because this is what she deserves?
Although actually I guess demonpalmer hates herself less than previously, it's just impossible to get rid of all of that baggage. I could see her bringing it up during some kind of existential nonhuman angst post-vampire or post-ghoul revelation session to be like "hey, consider: you can just hate ME instead of yourself—"
Also Amaranth getting her hands on Ashley Miller would be like, some kind of weird combo of how she interacts with Shrike (do you have regrets? WORK HARDER) and like, the soft nice lilis kids, I feel like, and that's an enjoyable image.
Though I'm curious how the Grace-Amaranth dynamic would be impacted by Grace being an audition because of course she'd be an audition, she wants to kill God and/or make sure he fucking stays out—
also bonus:
I feel like probably Paloma is more relatable than Amaranth would think, not least because she does have enough jock in her to run around archaeological dig sites and go on adventures and plus has to have the muscle tone for marksmanship. She's no Shrike, but she can at least flex on some of the other nerds around here.
Also Shrike's crush on Amaranth is only getting Worse because of closing some of that emotional distance, she's dying, please send help,
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But also! What are some of the things you're happiest to have gotten to play out so far in general?
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Honestly, this is the CR I never knew Amaranth needed: It is such a big deal to her to have have a member of LiliS who is so very on the same wavelength as her in terms of priorities. Less obvious to her ICly, but no less important, is the fact that Azalea also has the maturity level such that Amaranth doesn't necessarily feel obligated to hold everything back from her in terms of her personal struggles. She still wants to be a mother figure to her, but Azalea's determined resilience in the face of her situation means that she's not so worried that Azalea would end up trying to make herself responsible for Amaranth's emotional well-being or something (which is a worry she has with super soft members of the unit like Camellia). This is such a big deal because trying to be exclusively a support to LiliS while never getting support in return has begun to put a strain on Amaranth, at this point in the game.
If there's anything she's worried about, it's that her fracturing relationship with John will in some way interfere with what would otherwise be a very close bond: she knows that John doesn't approve (to put it mildly) of Amaranth's willingness to employ violence, and part of her worries that he might try to "save" Azalea from her influence. The first major test of this will probably be when she talks to Azalea about her choice to duel Requiem after GM game (which is something that I'm planning on getting around to in their discussion at the Live). This particular fear is in some ways a petty bit of jealousy that's purely symptomatic of what's going on between her and John, but it also I think further emphasizes the uniqueness of her relationship with Azalea, that she's already so scared of ever losing it.
Btw, let me know if you'd like to specifically thread out any lessons with Amaranth. I am, tragically, NOT a master warrior irl, so some of it would have to be abstracted regardless, but if nothing else, I'm happy to chat about what Amaranth is like as an instructor (generally speaking, imagine that strict ballet teacher who is proportionately way harder on students who she thinks have Potential) and the like.
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Some of the things I've been happiest to play out:
Hm, this is a tough one, especially given that I get the impression that you're interested especially in scenarios and not just threads that happened to be really good.
Off the top of my head, some stuff that really stands out:
THAT SAID, there is a very strong runner-up in her scene with Wednesday in an earlier round, where the pep! ghost's desire for parental approval and the LiliS ghost's desire to protect combined to create a tender mother-daughter moment right out of a horror film.
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EITHER WAY I am very excited to see where things go for them from here, their threads are so much fun. I think handwaving most of the training is okay for now (especially since I also am not a master staff-wielding warrior), and we can always thread something out if we think something interesting's going to happen in that day's training!
Also all of these threads/cr are all so good but that thread with Wednesday was an especially fun read wHAT A WILD RIDE.
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There are two stars.
One is the "I love you" star (though in Amaranth's case, it's obviously familial). The hover text on this star says, I wish you had never joined LiliS.
The second is the "I hate you" star. The hover text reads, May you finally find happiness.
....So, you know. It's like that.
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